I was nine years old when you first appeared. I was on a family vacation when I learned of your existence. I demanded my parents call our cable company the instant we got back home.
I loved you.
You gave me Twilight Zone marathons and two hours of Dark Shadows every day. You introduced me to Night Stalker and Forever Knight. You gave me weird movies from before I was born. You gave me absolute dreck like Robocop: the Series when I was young enough to enjoy it. You even briefly fulfilled my fervent wish when I first learned you existed, broadcasting old ’70s episodes of Doctor Who.
I was one of the very earliest “cord cutters,” eschewing cable TV before there were any real alternatives. (Legal ones, at any rate.) You were already fading in my affections, I have to admit. Still… I missed you, at least at first. But then, for a span of a few years, I had a roommate who wanted cable and I discovered what you’d become in my absence. You disgusted me.
I laughed at you when you changed your name. Oh… How. I. Laughed.
The years went by and we got older. I started paying for things like Netflix and Amazon Prime. But then one day I heard you were getting your head back in the game. I heard you’d gotten over the real life ghost hunters and over-the-top retroschlock creature features so laughably absurd they were like ready-made MST3K episodes. No, Battlestar Galactica (which I watched on Netflix) had given you a taste of what might have been.
I heard you were getting serious.
And behold: Dark Matter. Killjoys. The Expanse.
Ah. I’ll bet you know why I’m writing to you now. You fuck. You unutterable fucking fuck.
You tricked me. You tricked me into taking you back, into loving you again. SlingTV didn’t have you so I kicked their service to the curb. I switched to Playstation VUE. Because you were there. Because I wanted to be with you again. Because I’d grown, and I thought you’d grown too, and I thought we could be happy.
You swine.
You killed Dark Matter because it wasn’t making money for you. And now you’ve done it again. The Expanse, cancelled. Why? Because you were too stupid to know what you had. You negotiated a shit deal. First run linear rights only?
What fucking decade do you think this is?
So, when people streamed it and you didn’t get your hoped-for return on investment, you killed it. Did you even try to renegotiate? The show couldn’t get made without your investment, you had them over a barrel. But what the fuck do you care about quality science fiction programming? That’s not what you’re here for, is it?
The Expanse may very well live on, rescued by Amazon. But you? You stabbed me in the back. You broke my heart again. And for what?
I hear we’re getting a Purge series from you later this year.
A fucking Purge series? I hope you choke on it.
You’re dead to me.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Will Never, Ever Watch Your Crap Network Again
John A. Underwood 