Things I Might Say If You Weren’t a Troll Hell-Bent on Ignoring Reason and Facts in Your Noble Quest to Trigger Me

I just saw another manbaby ranting about The Last Jedi, specifically the “Holdo Maneuver,” on Facebook. Quelle fuckin surprise.

Essentially his complaint boils down to: if that’s possible, then why haven’t people been doing it all the time? Why didn’t they blow up the Death Star like that? Why is a woman (especially with unnatural hair color) allowed to do something important? Oops. He didn’t say that part out loud. This totally breaks Star Wars, he did opine. Previous films are rendered suddenly unrealistic!

Wow, bro! You cracked it! No one has pointed that out before, and if they had then any counterarguments would have obviously been dumb SJWs just virtue signalling at each other because they’re so triggered!

I’m not going to get into it with Facebook trolls, not today Satan. But, despite having grown up on the Internet, I still fall victim to one of the classic blunders. I may never have gone in against a Sicilian when death is on the line, but I almost always read the comments.

I was pleased to see a number of people pointing out some serious flaws in his argument, and dismayed to see every reasonable comment met with a bellicose chorus of “but her e-mails!” Shit, I did it again. I mean, of course, that there was a snarky man-baby ready to answer every salient point with completely irrelevant bullshit.

If this is possible, then there would be ways to defend against it. Star Destroyers have no defense against it, ergo it’s not something they need to defend against, ergo it is not possible.

OK, chucklefuck. Beyond the basic logical fallacy in your argument’s construction, consider this. We’ve all seen how making the jump to lightspeed works. Ship travels an extremely short distance rapidly in realspace before vanishing into hyperspace. Have they ever done a jump to hyperspeed where the ship lurches across two or three light seconds before vanishing into that higher dimensional disco? Nope. So: the Holdo Maneuver can only be initiated from very fucking close to its target, which in the case of a Star Destroyer has actually quite a lot of options in defending itself from another ship at close proximity.

Remember that time in Empire when Han banks the Falcon around, completely ignoring common sense and the lack of air resistance in vacuum to charge head-on at a Star Destroyer? And the guys on the bridge are like, “lol, wut” and “what suicidal dipshit would attack a Star Destroyer head on at close range?”

The Holdo Maneuver works for a couple reasons. One, no one would expect it to be successful. Which means no one would expect some idiot to try it. Two, it happens when the ship is being evacuated and the First Order have spotted the fleeing Resistance shuttles and would reasonably assume the capital ship is no longer in the fight.

Yes, that doesn’t mean tactically they should then ignore it as a potential threat, but (a) human beings are not always terribly smart, especially in heated moments and (b) there are soooo many dumb things people have done in SW because of plot requirements in the previous films.

Why didn’t they just blow up the Death Star that way?

See my above point regarding Star Destroyers, and consider how many Rebels died at Yavin when they got close to the thing they needed to get close to in order to blow it up.

It’s a deus ex machina!

Come back when you learn what words mean. Yes, even the Latin ones. I’m sure you’ve been having trouble with quid pro quo lately as well.

It doesn’t make any sense for her to sacrifice herself when they could just make a droid do it. (She probably just wanted attention. You know. Women.)

Droids are sentient, dude. It’s already kind of a problem how they’ve been used.

It makes everything that came before pointless and/or unrealistic.

Come here, buddy. Have a seat right here. Let’s have us a chat about some motherfucking space wizards.

Wait, back up. We may have to start out a little more basic. You do know the difference between real life and make believe, right?

One thought on “Things I Might Say If You Weren’t a Troll Hell-Bent on Ignoring Reason and Facts in Your Noble Quest to Trigger Me

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